You can't be "it"...you just can't be.

That’s It? 11/1/10


As much as I don’t want to believe it,
I do.
You just might be all I will ever get.
The manipulation in the silence of these years without you
makes it seem like you never left me.
You still tug at my emotions,
opening a whole new wave that forces the breath out of me at times.
You are still the shadow in my past,
ignoring the fact that I step on your memory every single day.
You still stalk the door of my conscience,
continuing to frighten my future.

At a time,
what seems like eons and eons ago,
I thought you were my destiny.
Fate may have proved that notion false,
but why then am I still stuck,
plastered against the walls of our snippet in time together?
You have managed to push aside our memories,
maybe every so often looking back at them,
but I doubt you study them like I still do.
You came to our conclusion a long time ago-
you just didn’t have the heart to tell me how I could let go.
I am still relentlessly probing our abortive relationship
for no other reason than
frenziedly wishing against you being all I will ever have.

Brakes

Brakes 3/17/10

In meeting you, my turbulent life suddenly went peaceful-
quickly and urgently, I found myself falling silent.
I felt my soul screech to a halt the moment I you snuck up on me.
I thought I was finished,
I thought I was through,
that no one would ever look at me like you did again.
A surprisingly funny valentine
that made me squeamish in my hazy thoughts.
You taught me to feel again,
your eyes told me how to accept the flutters again,
and your subtle actions reminded me that I was there again.
Back in the days when nothing else mattered
but someone else’s recognition that I existed.
Back in the days when I couldn’t help but smile every time I thought of him.
Back in the days that I wouldn’t want to do anything other than spend it with him.


So, excuse me when I say
that your abrupt rejection surprised me more
than your superfluous recognition.
The whole situation is just a bit odd to me.
That you’d follow me around like I was a Goddess
right at the moment I wasn’t looking.
And, yet, quickly turn your own conniving back on me
right at the moment I turned around eager to acknowledge you.

Baffling through this deafening screech of a halt,
I know my poise will be forever perplexed.

Fall

So, this is by far my absolute favorite time of year. There's always that one day that I remember within the year when I wake up, go outside and just stop, relishing in the change of weather and the appearance of Fall. I wrote a poem about it tonight (because that day this year for me was TODAY!). enjoy!

Fall 9/29/09

It tiptoes in every year.
From an abruptly clear, starry night to an endless blue skied morning,
it appears.
I can hear its crispness in the falling leaves.
I can taste the fresh beginnings within the morning’s brisk wind.
I can smell the burning wood in the stillness of the air.
I can feel its giddiness encompass every inch of my soul.
It’s Fall.

I take in as many deep breaths as I can,
just to enjoy how the coolness tickles my tongue.
I experiment with the now visible puffs of air coming out of my mouth.
I want to sit on hay bails and take a ride through the woods.
I suddenly feel the urgency for a cup of hot chocolate or apple cider.
The beginning of many nights hibernating by the fire.
It’s Fall.

The sky seems awkwardly bright,
as if aching to reveal yet another beautiful day.
It rushes over me through the marble-like clouds above my head
and envelopes me in a pumpkin spiced aura I can’t seem to shake.
With every wispy breeze, I find myself closer to touching God’s grace.
The awakening of my essence.
It’s Fall.

The beginning of my life.
The reason for my enchantment.
The core of my being.
The stability in my seasons.
It’s Fall.